Sectioned

 Imagine you’re in lockdown… fairly easy as we all have been for the last few months. Now imagine its just you in lockdown… the whole rest of the world is allowed to keep going out, dong their thing, meeting friends, working, shopping, going to school etc etc. Kind of like you’re self-isolating. Now imagine that the self-isolation will be for at least 28 days… or 6 months. Now imagine that you’re not allowed to self isolate at your home, with your family around you or your friends close by. You’re ill, scared and confused. Imagine you have no say in it. Imagine you are forced out of your house, into a car which takes you miles away from your home, you walk through locked doors by staff you’ve never seen before with keys fastened to their belts. You’re led to a small, plain room. One bed, one desk, one plastic chair. You’re left there alone. An hour later, a nurse comes in and places 2 pieces of paper on your bed and leaves you again. They say ‘detained under section 3 of the mental health act’.

You’re still alone, the world is still happening around you, and you’re still unwell. On page two it outlines your ‘rights’. You are not allowed to leave. If you try to leave, you will be physically stopped. You must comply with the treatment that the doctor says you need. You are unwell and do not have capacity to understand you’re unwell. If you disagree with the treatment given to you, you can apply for a tribunal which will take at least 2-3 months to organise. You are not allowed to leave until the doctor signs special paperwork. You are only allowed visitors if permitted by the staff.

You are still alone, the world is still happening outside, and you’re terrified. You’re assessed by a doctor who will explain your treatment to you. This can be anything, and dependent on the type of unit you’re in. In an acute ward, its usually the first line of medication. On an eating disorder ward, medication for physical health and a discussion as to approaches to feeding.

Being detained under the mental health act is one of the most terrifying things I have ever been through. Along with my other blog posts, I can only speak from my experience, but here goes. (trigger warning if a sensitive subject, put yourself first).

When I was 17, I was admitted to an acute psychiatric unit 250 miles from my home. I went in under the well know ‘formal informal’ – if I refused to be admitted I would be sectioned, so I went voluntarily. Alas, 4 days into the admission I was detained under a section 5(4), due to being too unwell to be a voluntary patient. My mental health was too acute and I wasn’t able to engage in treatment, so to give me the medication, intervention and care I needed they had to detain me. Three assessments later and this was changed to a section 3, a 6 month hold. I was told there was no use asking for a tribunal as there was no way I would win it.

What happened on that ward I wouldn’t wish anyone through. As a detained patient, you have no rights. I was in a stripped high dependency bay, on 1:1 observations, I was restrained and injected with medication, I wasn’t allowed even in the garden for months. I began to get better, a response to the medication over the care (if you were there with me at that time, you’ll know). I responded to staff, I took the medication I was given, I was started with a therapist and was still desperately trying to keep my education up. Due to incidents on the ward, all four of these crashed. I was started on medication that I hated, my hair fell out, I slept all day and I was so angry. I got no where with the therapist and she left after a month. I couldn’t do my school work, I couldn’t even keep my eyes open let alone focus my brain.

On this ward, we weren’t allowed phones, access to the internet, we had a ward phone to phone home twice a week for a limited time. I felt so cut off from the world, which made things worse in many respects. Reintegrating after that amount of time cut off was hard. I got moved to a different unit, which is a whole story in itself, but that for a later date.

I lied to get discharged from that hospital. It was quite frankly dangerous there, and I was so desperate to go home. Lying to get out of hospital isn’t recommended, and I was not better and the next year I bounced from different hospitals. Sections here and there.

Then came a whole different experience with being on section… welcome to the EDU.

I knew I wasn’t well but I thought I was okay. I was angry, and I pushed everyone away. My treatment team, any appointments I just stopped going. Eventually, they came to my house, detained me under section 2 of the mental health act (28 days) and I was put into an acute psychiatric ward. They couldn’t offer me the care I needed and I continued to deteriorate until the point I very almost lost my life. I was moved to a section 3 of the mental health act (6 months) and sent to Scotland.

I can’t stress how scary being unwell is. Imagine having people telling you that you weren’t well, but you felt well, and everyone felt like a threat, and then they become the threat because they take you from your house and drop you in a ‘safe’ place and you’re away from everyone you love and the safety of your home. Its bloody terrifying.

Now imagine that and being 400 miles away in Scotland. Being under section on an EDU is different, like I’ve already said, the priority is to get you to… well eat. To put it bluntly, if you don’t eat what you need to in an EDU, you’ll be put on NG feeds.

My dad told me a brilliant analogy yesterday – imagine you’re about to bungee jump. Your standing on the edge of that huge drop. You start to panic, you’re terrified of heights, you don’t know if the clips will break, what happens if the rope snaps etc etc etc.

That bungee jump is how scary food is, a meal is, to someone with an eating disorder. It feels like standing on the edge of that cliff every single time you eat. I remember in my first few weeks there, I so desperately wanted to come home, but I was so terrified of food id have panic attacks even thinking of sitting in the dining room. I was on section, put on the NG plan and anything I didn’t eat was tube fed. 6 times a day I was pushed off that bungee jump, whether I wanted to or not.

Being under section changes you. Having every right taken away, your freedom, your autonomy over your body, your voice, your view on your own health and who you are, is terrifying. Being told what to do, with no exceptions. And I think there is no where near enough awareness as to how traumatising it can be; personally for me, both being in hospitals and being so unwell leaves me with nightmares and certain noises panic me as it takes me back to that time. As someone supporting someone recovering from this, talk to them, ask them what they find hard and how you can help. Recognise that the experience will be difficult in a variety of ways, but don’t be scared of that.

You’ll never fully understand unless you’ve been in that place, and I hope me writing this helps you to understand a little.

Ill keep talking and keep raising awareness. You keep being you.

Fi xx