Alice Helliwell

‘Obsessive Christmas Disorder’

Happy Holidays! A huge thank you to Harri and Fi for the gift of their wonderful platform to share my story and help break the stigma! Hello, my name is Alice, I’m twenty-seven and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Not my usual introduction but there you go.

Whilst browsing the shops for my office Christmas Jumper party, I came across one with the slogan ‘Obsessive Christmas Disorder’. In the days after I started noticing other items with the same message, branded as a cute gift for your ‘Christmas Crazy’ friend, sibling, or partner. Of course, I don’t believe the world of capitalism has a vendetta against individuals with OCD, however, like the majority of the population, it is clear there’s a knowledge gap around what OCD is and how if affects the lives of sufferers and their loved ones.

Growing up, the only representation I saw was of people flipping on and off light switches, bleaching their entire apartments and bathing in hand sanitiser. Or you were ‘so OCD’ because you liked all your gel pens lined up and colour coordinated. When I was eventually diagnosed, I was shocked and went into a period of denial. I wasn’t like the people I’d seen on TV. I learned that OCD came in more shapes and sizes than your Christmas cookie cutter collection. 

OCD is an anxiety disorder and is primarily made up of two parts;

Obsessions- unwanted, often disturbing, intrusive thoughts that feel outside the person’s control. They cause a significant amount of distress and anxiety.

Compulsions- often called rituals. Are repetitive thoughts or actions a person does in order to neutralize the anxiety. 

Compulsions have a negative effect on your quality of life. You lose hours of your day checking the front door is locked, washing the germs from your hands, or avoiding ‘unlucky’ numbers. I’ve spent 5 hours of an evening researching the local news and social media, just to make sure I hadn’t caused a hit and run on my commute and ‘forgotten’ about it. I do these things to temporarily reduce the anxiety caused by intrusive thoughts. My therapist explained that we all have unwanted thoughts. Your brain tricks you for a brief moment that it would be a good idea to push a stranger in front of a train. Most people are able to discard these as passing thoughts, whereas people with OCD grab hold of the thought and let it spiral out of control until they are convinced they are a ‘bad’ person.

In July of this year I was fortunate enough to volunteer at the International OCD Foundation conference in Austin, Texas. I met children and adults who were affected by OCD and learned about different intrusive thought themes. There are themes surrounding contamination, religion, peadophilia, relationships, sexuality, and violence. I met people who were afraid to hold their own children out of fear they’d intentionally harm them, and people who thought that if they used public bathrooms they’d contract HIV. It was oddly comforting being surrounded by people telling you how understood and seen you are after you’ve just described the relentless violent flashing images in your head or the urge to accelerate into oncoming traffic.

The people I met helped me realise that there is help available, and things will get better. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is the ‘gold standard’ for OCD treatment and is used by professionals often alongside anxiety medication or antidepressants. 

We need to educate ourselves and understand that there’s no shame in taking medication, there’s no shame in talking about mental health, there’s no shame in seeking help, and there’s no shame in thinking you’re a psychic wizard who can predict when terrible things will happen. You are not alone.