The bubble

5 years ago I sat in therapy and we spoke about and learnt about my relationship with my anorexia, which was powerful, so I thought id try and explain it today.

I see my anorexia as a bubble. This bubble is safe from the world, its separate from the world. The bubble provides a kind of sanctuary for me – the real world cannot perforate it and therefore cannot touch me. Whenever the world gets scary, whenever I feel like I cannot understand, or work something out (two things that I really struggle with), I want to step into this bubble.

The second I retreat into the bubble, I feel calm. I feel like I can breathe again. The rules inside the bubble are clear and the expectations are clear (two things that again, I really struggle with the ‘real world’). Everything is calculated and predictable in the bubble, and its familiar. The bubble is controlled by anorexia, and for me, sometimes, anorexia feels like my only way of navigating the world that I don’t understand because it provides a world that I do understand. It provides me with all the things the world cant. Certainty, familiarity, predictability. Its not about trying to work out the muddle that are social situations, I don’t need to put myself on display for anyone, I don’t have to pretend.

However, the bubble soon becomes suffocating. The rules set out by anorexia get stronger, more intense, they become restrictive and never ending. I’m in the bubble, I can see the outside but I can no longer get there. Anorexia doesn’t just let you ‘go’.

Getting out of that bubble is excruciating, not only because I need to go back into the world that I’m not so certain of to begin with, but because the anorexia wont let me go out. I fight, with everything ive got.

I get to a place where I’m standing outside the bubble again, and I feel okay. I think, gosh, I am never ever going through that again. I manage to cope for a while, the world throws challenges my way and I get by.

I struggle with things that aren’t evident to other people. I find social situations absolutely exhausting and confusing, and this takes a lot of my energy. I struggle to balance my work, I am very critical of myself and struggle to let myself have time off, and this is exhausting. I find change intolerably difficult, this takes a huge huge amount of energy. I know that a lot of people don’t understand why I find these things so hard, which either leads me to ‘pretending’ they’re not (masking), or trying to explain why they are, which leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable, something that not only tires me but also holds my vulnerabilities out naked, which is scary. You never know how someone will react, and unfortunately, I do care, and it does affect me what people say.

On top of all this that happens inside my head, so does the external world. The restrictions with COVID continue to be unclear and seemingly change daily. Interacting with people can be confusing and lead me to try and answer questions that I just cant understand about other people. There are pressures and demands from life, deadlines, exams, homework. Then I have my recovery; therapy, therapy homework, needing to look at myself once a week and challenge my thought and behaviours. Dietetic appointments where I am forced to face that anxiety related to every food and drink that passes my lips. The battle I have with my exercise addiction, triggers as half the world apparently goes back to exercising and posting gym and running photos.

Its exhausting, and my batteries run down. It only takes a few ‘extra’ events and I’m in overwhelm. This could be anything, arguments, illness, dynamic changes, treatment changes, routine changes. It hits my core beliefs that I usually try more than anything to cover up – I’m broken, I’m difficult, I’m causing people pain. I cant get anything right. I convince myself that I am not wanted in this world, I cant navigate it, and I cant get it right no matter how hard I try.

It becomes too much, I cant possibly live in this world. It hurts, its unpredictable, I don’t understand it. I step back into the bubble. I feel better and calmer. And then I’m stuck again.

 

This cycle has kept me trapped for years, and its by no means easier to navigate to just be aware of it. I know people wont understand, because you cant know. And maybe that’s the point – you never know what someone is going through. They can be stood next to you and be falling apart inside, but you wont know. So please, be kind.

I know for me, getting through this cycle is the most important part. In fact, I prefer to refer to it as a spiral. Each time I go through it, I learn something and I come out a little more aware, a little bit more able to fight it. That doesn’t make it easy though, and no there is no fix. And no, there’s nothing I need, and nothing practical that anyone can do to stop it spinning. There is something that everyone can do though, and this is for me, and… well every human being on this planet.

Be kind, listen, and don’t judge. You wont know the answer – neither will they. That’s okay, they don’t need you to. Trust me, they just need to know that you’re there. Try to listen to their experience of what they’re going through, and try not to judge or leap to conclusions. Empower them in the knowledge they have of themselves to help them through it, but please don’t come in and try and change it for them (for me, that’ll push me right back into that bubble).

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Kindness wont heal, but it certainly wont hinder. Sometimes, that’s all the person needs, to know you’re there.

Stay safe, and be gentle with yourselves through this tricky time. Fi xxx