An insight; why gaining weight in recovery from anorexia is so hard.

I’m going to break this down into three sections: physical, psychological and social. They all hold their weight in the difficulties in recovery from anorexia (pun unintended)

Physical; if you’ve been through recovery, you’ll know. But I’m writing this to help people who are fortunate enough to have never faced this, to give them an insight into the physical challenges in recovery. 

• In the immediate stages, there is a high risk of ‘refereeing syndrome’. This is a condition where if you increase your intake too quickly, you’re at risk of death to put it bluntly. When you’re body has been starved it starts to eat at the muscle, and therefore suddenly acting apt more food can cause a dangerous shift in the electrolytes and risk of heart attack is high. To get through this stage which can last a good couple of weeks, takes frequent bloods tests, sometimes medical hospitalisation due to the number of observations needed and the frequency of such, a whole host of medications to keep your blood levels out of danger. (so, ironically, telling a skinny girl to ‘go eat a burger’ is literally impossible and very dangerous, another reason no one should ever be so naïve to say such a thing).
• When you start to eat more, your body basically goes ape shit. This goes on for months. Severe bloating and pain like nothing you’ll ever imagine. Night sweats, your metabolism going into overdrive, blood sugar crashes etc. It takes a while for your body to trust that you are actually going to keep feeding it this time, and it’s a battle back and forth. 
• When you do start to restore weight, it doesn’t go on evenly. The vast majority goes straight to your stomach, which for me was the part of my body I was very self-conscious about anyway. It goes there to protect your organs because your body is saying ‘this is a life and death situation so we need to protect your vital organs first’. Makes sense, yes. But try living with the fight in your head that you know you have to put on weight but all of it is going to the place you are most self conscious of. It feels like your worst fears are being confirmed. It’s hard. Being a whole different clothes size around your waist, compared to any other part of your body, is hard. 

Psychological 

• the battle in your mind when you try to eat more, but you have this illness screaming at you that you are huge and disgusting and all your deepest darkest fears will come true if you eat and get healthy... that battle is indescribable. 
• An eating disorder literally takes over your whole brain and every thought. It makes you obsess and it is compulsive. There’s no such thing as a healthy thought at this stage. Every thought is the illness, and you have to learn to not trust yourself. Which is HARD. You know that voice in your head; basically your thoughts? That tell you what to do and when? You can’t trust that. Everything is says is a lie. Everything your eyes show you is a lie. 
• Anxiety overloads and massive mood crashes are common. Mixed in with the physical sensations which can send anyone overboard. I couldn’t describe this if I tried but, it is awful. 
• The obsession with food takes up every inch of your mind. It’s your survival instincts kicking in; if all your mind let’s you think about is food, maybe you’ll eat (and stay alive...). This obsession never stops until you reach a healthier weight. It’s when you sleep. It’s when you’re awake. It’s all you can focus on. 
• There are SO MANY thoughts with this illness. The battle between rational and irrational voices, the delusions that the illness induces. The distress like no other. The compulsions. The OCD. The suicidal thoughts. 

Social;

• imagine trying to battle through all of this and be surrounded by a culture constantly talking about diet and weight loss. Every aisle in the shops being stocked with diet plans and slimming pills. Mannequins in shops being less than size 0 and the constant drill and drone of the next damn diet. It’s like taking a recovering alcoholic to a pub and dangling a drink in front of them. 
• The fact that recovery is so damn tiring, literally, because your body overcompensates from being run into the ground. Energy levels are sparse and the battle alone in your mind is enough to leave you physically and emotionally drained. 
• People not understanding. People assuming you’re better because you’re eating more. People being naive about the power of an eating disorder. 
• Having to go out and socialise, especially when you’re feeling so self conscious, is hard. Thinking the whole world can see every ounce of weight you’ve gained and feeling like you want to hide. 

 I know in my personal experience, weight gain has been my biggest battle. For years I fought it fiercely, I hated myself as I was so how could I even consider putting on weight? Hospitals forced me through restraints and NG feeding, but I struggled so badly with it. Though; my anorexia has never really been about my body or weight. And this recent year has seen me desperately WANT to gain weight, but finding the process so difficult that for months I felt trapped in the skinny cage anorexia had made me. Only recently in the last 6 months have I felt strong enough, and had the right support, to actually start to restore my weight. Its different this time because its my own choice, but it doesn’t make the battle any easier. I follow my meal plan, have weekly therapy, crisis interventions, medication lists longer than my arm. My body still reacts, my mind even more so. Recovery is no easy business, trust me on that one.

This is by no means reasons to not recover. Because despite this small insight into the pain that recovery can bring, trust me when I tell you, what an eating disorder brings is 100X worse. Maybe that’s a topic for later date. 

Thankfully, I could write a list longer than this about all the things recovery had brought me that makes it worth it. But that doesn’t take away from the pain. 

So why I’m trying to say is; I will always hold the upmost respect for anyone recovering from an eating disorder. Is it the battle for your life, that can last months or even years. It is worth it, my gosh one day when I’m completely free from this illness I know it’ll be worth it. But it is hard.

If you are affected by any of the issues we discuss in our blog please seek help from your GP or for more urgent help call Samaritans on 116123