The here, the now.

Mindfulness is the next new buzz word in mental health. For years the word made my skin crawl. It felt patronising and more importantly… impossible.

When I was in therapy, I was very resistant if it ever came up. Along with my anorexia, I have struggled with disassociation for many years. At my worst, I lost whole days of my life. I would end up in places and have no idea where I was, I would come around injured and confused and… terrified. It became a cycle where I was so terrified it would happen that my stress levels would skyrocket, which usually triggered it.

My psychologist at the time was amazing, she taught me a select few ‘skills’, learning to ground myself, to breathe, to be in the moment. For a solid year this was my biggest battle. As with recovery from any illness, it was far from linear. I became somewhat known to the police and had all sort of care plans put into place to try and help me. I know what I went through was the severe end of needing to use skills such as mindfulness, but I want you to know how powerful those skills are, to anyone.

Fast forward a year, I was managing better. The attacks still came but… 5 things I could see, 4 things I could touch, 3 things I could hear, 2 things I could smell, and (sometimes – this one is a tad complicated when co-morbid with an ED) 1 thing I could taste. Slow things down. Open your eyes. Take 30 seconds. Breathe deeply. I cant stress how much work goes into practising these. You have to do it when you’re ‘okay’ at first, and then apply it when things are not okay.

Its been 2 years since things were as difficult as that, and in those two years I’ve come to realise that we should all be doing these things everyday anyway. ‘stop and look’ mum says to me every time were walking the dogs. We stop, look at the trees, look at the sky and breathe. Right here, right now. Turn the phone off, feel the air, be present in the moment.

Suddenly it hit me that im doing this mindfulness thing *shudder*. The word still makes me tense. So rename it. I call it being present in the moment and its about so much more than just breathing.

Being present in the moment means making the most of every minute of your life… it means actually being with the people you're with rather than being on your damn phone or thinking 1000 steps ahead. (can you tell, the phone thing really gets to me).

A year ago, I lost one of my best friends very suddenly. I felt these tsunami waves of regret and guilt for every moment I didn’t spend with her. For every time I was with her and I was too distracted with all the other things in the world that kept on spinning around. Grief is horrific, but not as worse as regret. I regret every moment I didn’t hug her and tell her I loved her, how important she was to me, how much she made my life better, how much it meant that she cared so much for me. she phoned me everyday at 10:45 to talk through my day and I loved her for it. Lizzie was quite a woman, and if you ever had the pleasure of meeting her, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

The bottom line is, we never know what’s around the corner. We don’t know when the people we love wont be there, or if situations will change. When I lost Lizzie I promised myself I would be present again. ‘tell the people you love, every day that you love them’ is what I hae written on my wall in my bedroom. Hug your best friend every time you see them, tell your parents how much they mean to you, meet up with people to talk over coffee, and for goodness sake put down the phones whilst you do it. Go outside and breathe the fresh air, try to stop your mind thinking about the next week month, or year. Yes planning is important, but so is today.

A very wise woman once told me ‘if you have a foot in the past and a foot in the future, you’re pissing on the present’, which is just so true. Don’t let your past define you, and don’t let anxiety about the future take away from the now.

Be present, enjoy the now, and you’ll find the rest slots into place.

Fi x