Obsessive compulsive tendencies – so much more than just being ‘neat’.

When I was 14, along with anorexia and other mental health diagnosis, I was diagnosed with ‘obsessive compulsive tendencies’. This diagnosis is, in simple terms, my battle with obsessive compulsive behaviours, but not severe enough for a full blown diagnosis. Over the last 9 years, it’s something I have both been controlled by, but also managed to get control over. It’s a rollercoaster for me, it is closely related to my anorexia and anxiety, peaking and troughing at similar times.

So what does it actually mean to struggle with OCT? IT’s not being neat, or tidy, and it’s not being obsessively clean. My first memories of these intrusive thoughts in my head go way back, further than 14 years old. For as long as I can remember, intrusive thoughts have captured me in moments, compelling me to use an action to relieve anxiety. Thoughts include people I love dying, getting ill or getting hurt. But they also include how I feel, routines and rituals. Having to switch a light switch on twice, having to touch that tree on that walk, having to walk down the stairs to come back up them. I know it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else, but to me it did. When I was struggling with it when I was this young, I had no idea how disordered it was. I never told anyone, I hid it, I pushed it down.

So, if this has been going on for so long, why did I pinpoint turning 14? When I was 14 I was also diagnosed with anorexia, and my OCD at that time became utterly unmanageable. It blurred so violently that it became consuming. Rituals took hours, they meant I didn’t sleep, they became more secretive and more compelling. My psychologist at the time was the first person to notice, and the first person I spoke to about what was happening in my head. I was put on medication to try and manage my OCT and the anxiety that came with them, and I had CBT to tackle it alongside.

In many ways, I managed to stabilise… for a few years. When I was 19, I was in a general medical hospital for over 4 weeks. In this time, my family went to America. The intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviours lived with a vengeance in my mind, and they made absolutely no sense. Ill give you one example to help explain: I was using my ipad to distract me from the horrible place I was in, but when the time on the video hit 1:27 minutes, I had to stop, rewind and replay it four times. If I couldn’t get the timing right (which is hard to do when swiping the rewind bar on a small ipad), I had to start the process all over again. If I let it go past 1:27 without completing (fully) this ritual, my family would die on the aeroplane when coming back from America. I know, it makes no sense. But it did to me. In those four weeks, the anxiety and intrusive thoughts became so overwhelming I tried to run away, hitting my head against walls to try and get the voices and thoughts to STOP. They had to triple my medication to sedate me, having security around to ensure I kept safe. It was terrifying, and I couldn’t explain to anyone what was happening.

Again, after a month or so I received CBT to challenge these thoughts in my head, and a mixture of that and the medication meant things settled down.

However, the recent weeks with covid-19 has seen a drastic spike once again. This time, the thoughts are around Hugo. It currently takes me over an hour to go to bed, and settle in bed to go to sleep. As soon as I try to lie down and rest, I become panicked that I’ve left Hugo outside. I get intrusive images of him in the dark, cold and crying. Then I think of him there all night, being attacked by wild animals and waking up to him dead. It’s causing me so much anxiety that I get up and check and check and check he is inside. Mum and dad text me before they’ve gone to bed to reassure me he is inside, but it’s not enough. I have to check myself. Up and down for over an hour; and still not settling. 2am comes, 3am comes. I wake up suddenly and think he’s outside, as if by magic he has opened the door and let himself out. I get up, go downstairs and check on him again. Fast asleep, peaceful, unaware of my panic over him overnight. My anxiety around him has slowly seeped into the daytime, I’m terrified of taking him on a different walk than the 3 I rotate around each week. There could be cattle grids, fast roads, broken branches, vicious dogs. I am constantly terrified he will hurt himself and ill lose him. I think that’s the worst part of all of this… it uses the things you care about most; making it impossible to ignore.

The problem with OCT is there is no way around it; you have to challenge the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts. The more you avoid it, or listen to them, the harder it gets to break them. I know right now, I am shattered from the anxiety its causing me. I also have no idea what’s triggered it off so badly, again; but am fully aware I need to tackle it head on… which is scar and exhausting.

It scares me that I know I will battle these flare ups for the rest of my life. It’s the way my brain works; its one of its maladaptive functions that I need to learn how to react to.

So a massive shoutout to anyone who struggles with obsessive compulsive tendencies. It is a battle, it is a war; the ultimate manipulation where you brain uses the fact you love and care to torture you.

Keep strong, keep talking to those you love about what is happening in your mind. Don’t let it control you. My DM’s are always open,

Fi x